i am sorry, my fellow blogees. i have been very quiet of late and it's mostly just because whenever i looked at that little tabby thing that would link me to here where i could say whatever came to mind, this little thought would pop up and go 'what do you honestly have to say? and who cares anyway?' therefore, i have ignored by blog, and even considered deleting it a few times.
this makes me feel a few things. one of them is sort of this weird combination of depression, rejection, and anxiety (a cocktail i experience quite often in my slightly autistic, slightly OCD, more than slightly messed up brain space). this feeling occurs often when i think about my music and how all i really want to do in life is play and sing and perform but how that will most likely never happen because who wants to listen to moody, cliched lyrics written in a fit of angst and set to some run of the mill chords? yeah, no one. this same feeling of 'i'll never make it so what's the point?' is also being triggered now as i write this blog.
another thing that this makes me feel is another cocktail of sadness (for the fact that i have neglected expression for so long) and confusion (because i feel like a soda that's been shaken up, i don't really know whether i'm a liquid or a gas anymore but i'm pretty sure i'm about to explode).
i'm sick of getting drunk on my feelings, i might just become a regular drunk instead.